Some of us were reared in an environment where being weak and having weakness was shamed. In those places, it's hard to understand what it is to be a human....rather the idea is passed on how to barely survive, never dream of thriving, and pretend there's meaning in the midst of such constant turmoil.
The lessons taught can sound like, "People who are stronger than me will exploit me if I don't keep on my guard. I need to increase my strengths in order to succeed in besting them before they best me." There can be a layer of friendliness which is not very genuine as it's hard to be glad to be together when you feel threatened. I hear it activates the part of our brain which produces responses we can thank for keeping us alive during stressful events. From what I understand, it doesn't sound like staying in that frame of "protect self" should be on and running all the time. We need to know we're loved, cared for, safe and that our weaknesses are nothing to be ashamed of.
The saddest part I have seen of this is when a mother shows her female daughters how to maneuver through the world of men. In some cases, it comes across a bit like this: use your feminine powers (strength) to give what you can to the males so they will then in turn give you their strength (attention, help, money, etc).
As I face sharing stories of those around me who are dealing with various ramifications of being afraid to allow weakness to be exposed, I long to ensure my own strengths are used in appropriate ways. This is really important to me for all sorts of reasons.
This weekend I mumbled something to my husband about it. He knew right away what I was talking about-which in and of itself felt like a great big hug and gift (ahhhhhh....the relief of being understood!!). He remembered hearing Dr Wilder talk about it in one of the audio sessions and set about to find it for me.
This Monday morning while children ate breakfast and worked on their chores, I grabbed a few minutes to listen to the mp3. As I ponder how it fits in with the enormity of everything else I am learning, I realize the gentle protector skills- to recognize our weakness but protect others from our own strength when needed- are so important.
If you're looking for language about what's gone on in your world, or you wonder what on earth has happened in the seemingly sorry world of someone you're working with, I think Dr Wilder gives really helpful language to what's dumbly struggling within some of us who have not had anyone explain it quite like this.
