This weekend I hit a strange patch.
It was HARD.
I realized and found words for something I have long known but could not utter.
"I AM SCARED."
Of what, or of whom?
Well, without giving you all the details, I was scared for a good reason. I mean, it wasn't good what happened, but it DID happen and being scared is the way God has wired the brain to respond in that sort of situation.
So...after nearly 45 years, I can finally say, "I AM SCARED OF...."
How simple and absolutely profound this is to me. I think those in my life closest to me probably knew I was scared of...but somehow in all the years, "You are scared of...," never happened until this weekend.
It's weird to be an adult who rarely experienced someone attuning to me. My feelings were mostly ignored, inconvenient and a downright bother. It has taken me THIS long to find them, hear them, FEEL them and then get a clue about what they're called. It's very slow going and completely awkward.
It's supposed to happen in early childhood before pushing through those elementary school doors.
God has wired our brains to feel and to name it for ourselves by the time we're four years old. With two sweet toddlers to experiment on, I can say it's very possible, but only IF we have a happy helper going along with us in life who is paying attention enough to recognize what we are feeling and then name it.
I remember squirming when I first read the term, "Adult Infant." Oh, no!! Drooling on ourselves was the joke...we knew we were messed up but didn't know what was wrong. Not having a clue how to feel, name or manage our own emotions caused a lot of ...well...embarrassing moments to say the least.
I marvel that I am still without that particular kind of human helper (aside from maybe these inner parts?). Sometimes it feels lonely to have to work on it with God alone. *sigh* He meant for me to have a happy human helper. He meant for all of us to have that.
I pause now to worship Him who helps us when our human helpers do not.
I realized and found words for something I have long known but could not utter.
"I AM SCARED."
Of what, or of whom?
Well, without giving you all the details, I was scared for a good reason. I mean, it wasn't good what happened, but it DID happen and being scared is the way God has wired the brain to respond in that sort of situation.
So...after nearly 45 years, I can finally say, "I AM SCARED OF...."
How simple and absolutely profound this is to me. I think those in my life closest to me probably knew I was scared of...but somehow in all the years, "You are scared of...," never happened until this weekend.
It's weird to be an adult who rarely experienced someone attuning to me. My feelings were mostly ignored, inconvenient and a downright bother. It has taken me THIS long to find them, hear them, FEEL them and then get a clue about what they're called. It's very slow going and completely awkward.
It's supposed to happen in early childhood before pushing through those elementary school doors.
God has wired our brains to feel and to name it for ourselves by the time we're four years old. With two sweet toddlers to experiment on, I can say it's very possible, but only IF we have a happy helper going along with us in life who is paying attention enough to recognize what we are feeling and then name it.
I remember squirming when I first read the term, "Adult Infant." Oh, no!! Drooling on ourselves was the joke...we knew we were messed up but didn't know what was wrong. Not having a clue how to feel, name or manage our own emotions caused a lot of ...well...embarrassing moments to say the least.
I marvel that I am still without that particular kind of human helper (aside from maybe these inner parts?). Sometimes it feels lonely to have to work on it with God alone. *sigh* He meant for me to have a happy human helper. He meant for all of us to have that.
I pause now to worship Him who helps us when our human helpers do not.
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