Thanks to invaluable feedback from Mrs. F, today I will begin working to update the format, taking all the personal update stuff and plopping it someplace special.
I will be giving EFL a face lift and changing the way things flow.
I so appreciate your patience as I build this from what bubbles within. Please stay "tuned."
I realized and found words for something I have long known but could not utter.
"I AM SCARED."
Of what, or of whom?
Well, without giving you all the details, I was scared for a good reason. I mean, it wasn't good what happened, but it DID happen and being scared is the way God has wired the brain to respond in that sort of situation.
So...after nearly 45 years, I can finally say, "I AM SCARED OF...."
How simple and absolutely profound this is to me. I think those in my life closest to me probably knew I was scared of...but somehow in all the years, "You are scared of...," never happened until this weekend.
It's weird to be an adult who rarely experienced someone attuning to me. My feelings were mostly ignored, inconvenient and a downright bother. It has taken me THIS long to find them, hear them, FEEL them and then get a clue about what they're called. It's very slow going and completely awkward.
It's supposed to happen in early childhood before pushing through those elementary school doors.
God has wired our brains to feel and to name it for ourselves by the time we're four years old. With two sweet toddlers to experiment on, I can say it's very possible, but only IF we have a happy helper going along with us in life who is paying attention enough to recognize what we are feeling and then name it.
I remember squirming when I first read the term, "Adult Infant." Oh, no!! Drooling on ourselves was the joke...we knew we were messed up but didn't know what was wrong. Not having a clue how to feel, name or manage our own emotions caused a lot of ...well...embarrassing moments to say the least.
I marvel that I am still without that particular kind of human helper (aside from maybe these inner parts?). Sometimes it feels lonely to have to work on it with God alone. *sigh* He meant for me to have a happy human helper. He meant for all of us to have that.
I pause now to worship Him who helps us when our human helpers do not.
Me (while reaching out toward Samuel who'd been working a while on getting his two shirt buttons to cooperate):
"I see you struggling with the top button on your shirt. I have trouble sometimes with my buttons, too. Want me to help? I'd like to."
Samuel (continuing to focus intently on his work): "I wemembered you said big boiys can do hawd sings."
He's four.
I'm forty three.
I grasped him and cried on his neck a little...all while he kept working til he got it.
What a mystery and wonder it is to follow the Holy Spirit on this journey of motherhood when I feel like an abyss of nothing so much of the time. A.Ma.Zing.
Feeling emotionally far away from our husbands is
face it...NOT fun.
It can be demoralizing, especially as Christian women, to know we're the helpmeet and yet feel so far away from doing whatever it is we need to.
Respect our husbands....submit
ourselves to them...okay great. But HOW?
In reality, there are a whole lot of us who didn't
see that modeled growing up. No offense to anyone who came before
us; if they didn't have the information (having it modeled to them)
then it makes sense they didn't have it to show us.
A lot of our moms were BUSY and
emotionally not able to build into their marriages. Lots of our
dads and granddads were taken out of the family...either by divorce,
death or ideas that they weren't emotionally needed.
Or maybe feminisims' fingers crept into
the family line, strangling until God's intended life is all
but squeezed out.
The whole art of respecting men has
been sort of lost in our culture. I understand the concept of
respect being earned...but giving it is really important as a way of
extending basic human dignity. I think a man deservers respect
because He is made in God's image and God deserves our respect. The God part of every man needs respect.
The reality of the frailty of mankind
is worth noting at this point. Not every man or woman has walked as
God intended. We have all fallen short of the glory of God. Many of
us have the marriages to prove it.
How can we, God's women, grafted into
the family of God by the blood of our Lord Jesus, honor Him as wives
to imperfect men?
It's a challenge I put before you
today...because I think our culture is completely desperate, and
depends on our men being the Life Givers God created them to be.
Take a look at this video to see what I
mean.
Women are altruistic. At least more so
than men. They will do for others. Men? Not so much. They are born
different, set on taking care of number one. They have to be taught,
through extraordinary and extreme measures, HOW to care for someone
other than themselves. Being a life giver as a male is something
that must be learned. A good upbringing allows these skills to be developed through appropriate, useful hardship.
Women need men to help care for the
life they carry. The man's sperm is what carries life into our
potential...and we need their help to care for the life we love to
bring into the world. We steward the life and we need their help to do it. I am convinced life
originates with the very masculinity of men.
Often we are turned off because we
experienced (or someone in our generations passed down the
burden/memory/pain/abuse/fear etc) the damage when a man is not life giving. Those
moments are memorable and unfortunately can cause a rupture in the
trust we are created to have. Hopeful daughters is the hope of society.
I know there's a lot wrong going on out there and in our families and homes, churches and businesses.
Let's
be honest ladies. There is also a lot wrong going on within us.
We sometimes don't know how to feel; we
have a hard time trusting. We blame and accuse and do the opposite
of respect.
We aren't always worthy of being cherished yet we long for it and sometimes demand it.
Let's be real here.
It's time to resuscitate God's ways for
marriage...and it' possible even within this ungodly culture.
Part of what I've been working on, as some of you know, is trying to figure out how to get audio up and running. I figured it would work, but to no avail.
Wednesday, Michelle and I recorded our first ever video...and I spent all that evening and the entire next day editing it and getting it ready to share. I am VERY excited...and hope you will like it. It's really for a very specific audience. It is the 3 part introduction to the series on narcissism.
Turns out writing a book isn't as easy as nattering away on camera. Who knew??? I certainly did not.
I have finished uploading it to my newly built EFL youtube channel and eagerly await it's emergence into cyberspace. Once I get the inner nudge to release it publicly, I will share it.
I will celebrate tonight, in some quiet way.
This is all so new and exciting....my first ever Exuberant for Life Productions Presentation!!!
After some physical, mental and emotional struggles last week, I felt nudged to begin asking God for an overhaul in my inner world. My mind needs major renewing in order to accept who I really am...and in order to walk out what God has next for me.
I have spent such a long time pinched in by circumstances I could NOT control, learning how to live life leveraging everything I could get my hands on so to speak. What I've been doing/thinking has been fine...but I can tell I really need to position myself to think completely different than I have been about me, my future, possibilities, using my gifts and talents, etc.
I wondered what it would look like if I ever got to this point. I'm not sure yet because I cannot yet feel/see/sense it, but have a very clear idea that I need God to give me vision and purpose for the next season of my life. I am pretty sure He's given me the "good and faithful servant - well done!" sticker on the season I am nearly done with.
It's exciting. At the same time I feel pretty worn out. I am blessed to be able to spend some time soon just pampering myself- away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I really NEED a break and God has rigged it so I can take one. I have a hunch He will be nudging me more often.
I have the idea this break will be to rest and re-callibrate...to let Him pour into me a new vision, understanding and perspective of where I am and where I'm headed. I have some lofty ideas which will need to be wrestled back into their proper places...
I need a time of surrendering again everything I am and have to Him. I feel like nearly two decades of excruciating labor are over...and I don't really have any idea what's next but I know it's going to be very different in possibly every way (I wasn't going to add "possibly" but then my fingers snuck it in at the request of my tempted-to-limit-myself brain.)
Anyway, I figured I'm not only one who could use some comprehensive good news. I nearly called this website Compressive Connections rather than Exuberant for Life. Soo...Dr. Caroline's Leaf good news today really started to water my dry places this morning as I dozed in a later than usual.
I really hope you enjoy this...it's phenomenal on so many levels. I am honored to be co-heirs with you and her. Christ's inheritance is ours and I am coming into agreement with everything that means for me. Period.
Blessings as you walk out wherever you are on your life's journey.
